Letters of Great Importance

Dear Fish tank Filter,

In case you didn't get the same memo I received, I wanted to make it clear that you are NOT supposed to overflow out your top and sneakily soak the floor over the course of a day (Dear Nearby Wall, it's not a good idea to then SOAK UP said water). You are supposed to make life easier and make the fish tank much cleaner. Can I remind you that you are NOT supposed to overflow? And in doing so, shall I remind you that we had to unplug you, at which point further disaster struck and one of my fish died, and that the entire supply of water in the tank turned a funny cloudy-ish color, and even though you've since been turned back on, the water is still a funny cloudy-ish color? What happened to making life easier? HUH HUH? If I had the money, I'd replace you with a model more willing and able to follow the rules and get the job done. Keep that in mind, will ya?

Sincerely, Wife to the man who wants to flush the fish down the toilet and get a turtle instead, but who is holding firm in her conviction that LIVE FISH DON'T GET FLUSHED DOWN TOILETS, and turtles are boring and smelly

-------------------------------------------
Dear Jared,

Shall I remind you yet again that what Mommy says, GOES? My requests are not open invitations to argue, or whine, or throw tantrums. I might also remind you that arguing/whining even louder will DEFINITELY result in unfavorable consequences on your behalf. Behavior like that will MOST LIKELY result in the loss of Snowy (prized stuffed animal), and if this behavior continues, Snowy may just have to permanently move out. Are we clear here? My requests are not unreasonable. You're part of our family, and as such, you're part of our TEAM, and teams work TOGETHER. No free rides, pal, sorry.

Love, Mommy (the woman who loves you dearly, but isn't sure how much more of this defiant and argumentative behavior she can take)

PS I can't tell you how good it did my heart when you jumped out of your seat in the waiting room today, grabbed up a section of the newspaper off the "coffee table" and walked over and handed it to a lonely old lady, telling her, "I got this for you so you don't have to be bored by yourself, okay?" And when she thanked you politely, but didn't open it, you said, "Here, you're supposed to do THIS so you can see the words." and proceeded to open it for her, then patted her arm and sat back down in your seat. SHE may not have been overly appreciative of your attention, but I was very proud of your empathy for her sitting all by herself, and your desire to make sure she was comfortable and had some entertainment.

-------------------------------------------
Dear Connor,

GONE are the days of eating separate meals at dinnertime. I'm not sure you really grasped that concept last night when I finally decided I'd had enough, but it's been put into effect and we'll be sticking to the rules, like it or not. NO MORE making you PBJ, or toast, or cereal. You eat what we're eating, or you wait until breakfast. Daddy says we should wait until you're two before we implement this new rule, but I can already see how you EXPECT to get something else and you've been pooh-poohing food without even tasting it lately. I refuse to be a short-order cook. And you know what? I noticed you survived not eating dinner last night just FINE and dandy! And you know what else? Instead of throwing your breakfast all over the floor and/or finger painting in the slobbery mess of it, YOU ATE IT. What a concept. Call me mean, but I've got enough to do without fixing you a separate meal when you decide you don't like what I've given you. Starving kids in China would LOVE to have some of that home-made cream of potato soup. Everyone else liked it. Get with the program, okay?

Love, No-longer-a-short-order-cook Mommy (who loves you dearly and will happily feed you three meals a day, plus a snack or two, and will always make sure you have plenty to drink, but you must eat what's offered, or get nothing at all)

PS You'll never know how much that signed "thank you" yesterday meant to me. I've been waiting for some sort of gratitude from you for 20 months now. Now, if only you'd repeat it.

PPS Keep up the GREAT "loves"! It's amazingly satisfying and calming and wonderful and (insert word for the BEST FEELING EVER here) to have you randomly walk over and hug my leg, or to have you wrap those little arms around my head and actually squeeze me back. Oh, and those kisses you blow me at night just melt my heart.

-------------------------------------------

Dear Despised GERMS,

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! You're evil and hateful and UNWANTED. You moved in back in November, and you think it's sooooooooooo funny to hop around from one family member to the next, BUT IT'S NOT. We're tired of colds, we're tired of the flu, we're tired of ear infections, we're tired of CROUP. You must have something better to do by now. You've long overstayed your welcome and I'm serving you your eviction notice, effective LAST WEEK (so get a move on it, ya hear?)

Hatefully yours, The one who has to deal with all the germ infested family members, even when she's one of them, and she's sick of it (no pun intended)

-------------------------------------------

Dear Emily and Jared,

In case you forgot, mommy's tape is not a free-for-all. It's also not intended to be wound many times around random toys. It's not intended to be any sort of tow strap. It's not intended for decorating pieces of construction paper. It's MOST DEFINITELY not intended to decorate the floors, or the counter tops (or your clothes). It also shouldn't be wound around fingers, stuck in hair, attached over chapped lips, strung out for a jump rope, or left laying around for baby brothers to find.

Love you, Mommy (who should really just give up and take the tape out of the "junk" drawer and PUT IT UP HIGH)

-------------------------------------------

Dear Outlook Express,

This may come as a complete surprise to you, but I need to inform you that it's REALLY a nasty trick to claim the ability to compress a person's email files, and turn them into "corrupt" and "unreadable" files. You might not realize this, but those were important emails! You'll claim to have just been doing your job, but you must NOT have taken the proper training courses, because those files were supposed to have been easy to access. Please know that all potential victims of your dirty deeds have been warned and won't be so easily duped into pressing that "okay" button.

Resentfully yours, The woman who is now short 22 emails

-------------------------------------------

Dear MIL and FIL,

When my children spend the night on the 29th, I expect they be properly spoiled and loved. They're allowed to eat whatever you choose to feed them. They're allowed to stay up late (ish) and snack on junk. However, I respectfully request you keep whatever over-induldged, overfed, underslept GRUMPIES that may appear as a result, AT YOUR HOUSE, and please send me home with three very well-behaved children. We plan to be out late and plan to party hard (ha ha! yeah right) and I won't have it in me to deal with GRUMPIES.

Love, the DIL who is looking forward to a childless night, but is already missing her "babies"